Product Review: Toilet Seat Assault

When I first moved in with CJ and we were putting our home together, he indicated he wanted to “upgrade” our toilet to a Japanese-style toilet. He described a terrifying device that was meant to replace our toilet seat and toilet paper. I can’t remember the exact phrasing he used, but whatever it was painted a very clear picture in my head of myself sliding all over the bathroom floor searching for non-existent toilet paper while water sprayed from the toilet in several directions.

I was not amused and not interested.

Recently, we were invited to dinner at our boss’s house. He and his wife (who is fabulous and writes this awesome blog) had one of these contraptions. I actually got to see what it was, hear about how much they loved it, and I even got to experience the awesomeness of a cozy warm toilet seat. It was amazing! It was not at all the horrible man-eating toilet monster I had envisioned based on my husband’s description. It’s all about hygiene and technology – two things CJ loves most.

So for Christmas this year, I gave him the AMDM IntelliSeat. He was excited about it!

We installed it the day after it arrived. The installation was SUPER easy – and by that, I mean he actually did all the installation work while I took down the tree. It was no effort at all! (But joking aside, he did install it quickly and all the required parts were included.)

We then spent the next hour daring each other to use the new toilet seat.

So you understand why going to the bathroom required a dare, let’s talk about the functionality of the toilet seat. It has a handy little remote control that has very friendly buttons on it. Each of these buttons has a rudimentary ass symbol on it with an image to depict what is happening to the ass. Thankfully, there is also text. The buttons include:

• For Her Front – Depicted by being sprayed with a single stream of water.
• For Her Back – Also depicted with a single spray of water.
• For His Back – Shown with a shower of water droplets.
• Dry Cycle – With squiggly lines which I assume mean flowing air.

The temperature and angle of all these can be adjusted to suit the user.

The conversation went something like this.

CJ: Use the new toilet seat.

Meg: No, no. You use it. It’s a gift for you.

CJ: But there are more features on it for a girl. You should use it.

Meg: I’m busy. I don’t have to pee.

Yeah…I had to pee first. With trepidation in my heart, I boldly tackled the AMDM IntelliSeat. After finishing my business, I took a moment to appreciate the toasty seat and then started with “For Her Front”. During that awkward moment when I was still recovering from shock while trying to adjust the water stream to strike me at a more comfortable angle, I hear CJ approach the bathroom door.

CJ: Are you using it?

Me: Yes. Go away.

CJ: Do you like it?

Me: I don’t know! Go away!

Cycle ended. Hmm, not so bad. Kinda nice, actually. And very clean-feeling. Heck, I went that far, why not try “For Her Back” just to see what that’s like? ACK! None of the reviews prepared me for what actually happens in this cycle: it does not just clean the general area of “Her Back” – it cleans INSIDE – and none too gently. Eyes wide from shock, I braced myself against the sink and wall, determined to hold out the full 60 seconds. My face probably looked something like this:

The cycle ended and I assessed. Nothing disastrous happened – I just felt MUCH better acquainted with our new home appliance and cleaner than ever.

The Dryer left much to be desired. Toilet paper is still required to dry off in any reasonable amount of time.

I wasn’t completely sold on it after my first experience. Conceptually, the whole thing still felt “weird”. I felt even weirder about it once we discovered “For His Back” was much more gentle and did not assult “His Back”. (I have my theories around why this is…) However, after several days of using it, I became much more comfortable. CJ’s experience was somewhat similar to mine: at first he didn’t know what to make of it, but started to appreciate it more after multiple uses.

When I returned to work after four days at home with IntelliSeat, I was surprised to realize I was disappointed with normal toilet seats and wished they were all thoroughly hygienic.

Highly Recommended

In summary, THIS THING IS AWESOME. Granted, much like coffee and wine, it’s an acquired taste – but once that taste is acquired it is oh-so-satisfying. If you decide to get one of these gadgets, make sure you try it several times before judgement.